Friday, 11 July 2014

'When I Was Young'

A rather recent concern of mine is something that is new to me.

As someone that has felt that in my day to day life I have seen what there is to see and had my fair share of experiences, this new feeling is troubling to me on so many levels.

Because I love music, and I listen to a lot of music, but since I turned thirty (for only the second time) just over a week ago I have felt a whole new sensation that leaves me cold.

Older music used to remind me of when I was younger.

suddenly, old music reminds me of when I was young.

yes, the difference in the written form (or even the spoken form if you aren't capable of silent reading) is only slight, but the ramifications for me are overwhelming.

I hear Stardust's Music Sounds Better With You, I hear Usher's You Make Me Wanna, I hear Sixpence None The Richer's Kiss Me (to name just three examples off the top of my head that I have heard today alone) and I think of other times, and other places, and this is nothing new, but now I think of someone else.

I don't know what happened, perhaps making the conscience decision from now on to lie about my age has triggered a wholly unexpected alternate past.

But suddenly, the person I am now feels almost completely disconnected from the person that I used to be...  It used to be a thread that ran from then until now, but now I feel that I am on the other side of the glass, looking back at what once was.

Not only that, but previously, I felt that everything that happened to me was leading me somewhere.  Now I am somewhere, rather lost with no clue where I am going still, but all of that time that has passed, I don't know where it has been...

So, this isn't ageing I don't think.  I think I am aged.

My life is still going somewhere, but the youth that trailed me is barely even in my orbit.

I'm still too young to feel old (I hope), but something changed.  and I don't think it could ever change back to the way it was.

I guess I can't be the first person to feel it, but as a person it is the first time I have felt it for myself.


what happens next? 


1 comment:

  1. All those feelings you write about
    the years disappearing, the strong emotions
    pulling and pushing hit me like a slammed door
    this year at 62, I have my foot wedged in the opening
    holding back the tick tick of time,
    but it makes the eyes well with the tearful
    memories of good times.

    Happy Days